This post will be in more of a diary format than my other blog posts but hopefully you will still enjoy reading it. It is a little 'heavy' at first but it does get happier, I promise :)
I dragged myself out of bed at 10am feeling bloody miserable which is not unusual for me as I am not a morning person but today I felt much more sullen than usual. I felt no enthusiasm for the day nor did I have any desire to do anything other than huddle on the sofa and daydream the day away listening to 'Life of Pi' (my favourite book ever!) on audiobook. This is what I did for most of the day, I sat and wallowed in an emotion which I find hard to describe, the nearest thing I can compare it to is a mixture of panic, loneliness and frustration.
I have suffered with varying degrees of depression and anxiety for most of my life, they come and go very unpredictably and will haunt me until I find the strength to confront them. I refer to my depression as an it, almost as a person because to me, it feels as real, powerful and influential as a human being.
Most of the time when I feel it tighten it's grip around me, I can usually shake it off and get on with my life but if I'm feeling ill or tired it takes advantage of that and kicks me whilst I'm down. This has been the case over the last few days, my health is not great and I've been in and out of the doctors surgery and the hospital which isn't really how I like to spend my time. Also since I've had to take a break from college I've been quite isolated from my friends so depression, instead of thinking "oh I best leave Jazz alone, she clearly has enough to deal with at the moment" decides that what I really need right now is it's dark menacing shadow looming over me...your right thats just what I needed! Thanks, thanks a fudging lot!
Anxiety is like depressions evil child prodigy, it will hide behind depression then creeps up on me when I'm least expecting it, it will play tricks on me, make me scared of everything, make me doubt myself and everyone around me then when I try to get rid of it, it simply laughs in my face and runs to hide behind depression again, leaving my heart pounding and my body shaking.
By three pm I'd accomplished nothing other than eating a bowl of porridge and talking to my nana and grandad but at half past three my nana asked me to take my dog pebbles for a walk with her and I reluctantly agreed. I grudgingly changed out of my beloved pyjamas into some warm walking clothes, grabbed my camera knowing that as always, taking some photos would cheer me up. As I walked the breeze slowly dissipated the dark cloud above my head and my mood started lifted.
I live in such a beautiful area which I often forget or take for granted but as me and my nana strolled along in the lovely afternoon sun, chatting and laughing with pebbles in toe, it reminded me that maybe life isn't so crap after all and that if I can still enjoy something as simple as a walk in the country, snapping the occasional picture then all hope for future happiness is not lost.
When we finally got home, I felt a lot times better than when I'd left the house after just an hour of walking and I realised that its the first proper exercise I've done in a long time so I've concluded that I really should do more exercise...
I vow to try my best to exercise for at least 20 minuets, four or five times a week and not sit on my arse feeling sorry for myself....I can tell already that this is going to be hard...
As I was in such a good mood, me and my nana prepared a healthy vegetable soup from scratch which made me feel productive and useful for the first time this week. I'm now huddled on the sofa watching saturday night TV and wallowing in contentment.
Here are some of the more humorous photos that I took on my walk, I thought you might enjoy them.
It's a bit early/late for halloween decorations? or maybe your just kinda creepy...
I actually have halloween decoration up in my room because I'm kind of creepy....
These marks can only have been made by a bear or a werewolf
This hole can only have been made by the asteroid the other day and tripped in it...
The sun brighting up my dark day.
My dog pooping in what he thought was a bush.....he's so special...
Spring has sprung! Oh joy!
Can you see the heart! Your too late whoever made this for me, valentines day was two days ago!...This was clearly made by aliens...
My homemade soup, look at all the different colours! I always try and eat a rainbow..
Well I hope you enjoyed reading about my slightly bipolar day. Do you ever have bipolar days?
Byyyeeeeee
Jazz
xx
P.s I do have a proper photography website with more professional photographs if you want to have a nosey - http://lookagain.zenfolio.com
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